How To Write A Effective Apology

So you messed up. (It’s okay, we all do.) What matters most is what you do next. 

Crafting an apology can feel intimidating, even demobilizing. But once expressed, apologies can also have positive health benefits. Research found that apology and restitution increase “empathy, forgiveness, gratitude, and positive emotions while reducing unforgiveness, negative emotion,” according to the NIH. 

An apology requires vulnerability, and that can naturally be challenging for some. To make it a little easier, it could help to have a formula to frame the apology around. Dr. Jennifer Thomas and Dr. Gary Chapman, speakers and the co-authors of When Sorry Isn’t Enough, came up with five apology languages, including: 

1. Expressing regret

2. Accepting responsibility

3. Making restitution

4. Genuinely repenting

5. Requesting forgiveness

Yet, know that a truly good apology will always be tailored to the person you’re apologizing to. So let’s look at a few instances and how to put them together. But first… Are you holding your breath thinking about the apology you know you need to make? Take a deep inhale, and then sigh it out. It’s going to be okay.

How To Apologize To A Loved One 

Don’t let guilt take up too much room in your head or your heart, and definitely don’t let any negativity fester between you and someone you love. Take the time to apologize. What’s key here is not being defensive and, instead, showing empathy. 

You can show empathy by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, considering how whatever you did made them feel—and acknowledging their feelings. To craft this, let’s use a variation of the love languages mentioned above as a guide. 

• Express that you’re sorry

• Verbalize what you’re sorry for

• Acknowledge how that did/could’ve made them feel

• Explain how this doesn’t represent your relationship

• Tell them how you will be better in the future 

• Thank them for taking the time to listen to you 

• Request their forgiveness once you’ve made your case

I’m sorry for [what you’re apologizing for]. It’s my fault that [event], and I can see how it would make you feel [emotion]—which isn’t fair. I [love/value/respect] you and our [relationship], and I don’t want to make you feel [emotion]. Moving forward, I promise to be better at [opposite of what you’re apologizing for] and to [act/speak] in a way that shows you how much you matter to me. I really appreciate you hearing me out, and I hope you can forgive me.

While this is just a super short example, there will be some situations that require a seat at the table or even a handwritten note delivered to their door. You can always expand on this script and really speak to what this person represents in your life and how you may have fallen short and plan to do better. 

Remember, the apology is based on the person. So think about what that person means to you and what kind of apology they deserve. 

How To Apologize To Someone At Work 

Owning your mistakes in your career can be what propels your forward. Trust me, all the greats in business have messed up, and the really great ones have owned up to their faults and learned from them. 

So, when it calls for an apology at work, give yourself a moment. This isn’t a call for procrastination; instead, this is a call to create a pause so that you can respond rationally rather than emotionally. Yes, you want to keep it authentic, but you also want it to be effective rather than a ramble of regret. 

Let’s use a bit of the love languages mentioned above for this one. 

• Express regret: I’m sorry for… 

• Accept responsibility: I made the error… 

• Make restitution: In the future, I will… 

Rather than requesting forgiveness, the best thing you can do is genuinely repent and act on doing your best moving forward. While these words matter, the actions you show after are what will prove your words to be true. So, here’s an example: 

I’m sorry for [putting the wrong details in the deck]. I made the error of [not double-checking all of the slides myself before sending it off to the client]. In the future, [I will be sure to pay more careful attention to the details and get another set of eyes on it before sending it out.] 

How To Apologize To Yourself 

Did the subheadline make you cringe a little? That’s natural. Apologizing to yourself can be one of the hardest things. (But also one of the most cathartic.) There are many ways to work on forgiving yourself. To simplify, I’ll focus on two paths toward self-forgiveness that experts point to 1) self-compassion and 2) reaffirming any values you may have transgressed. 

With Self-Compassion 

As Brene Brown once said, “talk to yourself as you would someone you love.” So let’s try it out. Here’s a short script you can use to write yourself an apology note. (I recommend doing this in a journal as writing it out can have its own therapeutic benefits.)

I’m sorry for [what you’re apologizing for] and for making you feel [emotion]. I don’t want you to feel [emotion] because you matter so much to me. My mistake is not you and doesn’t represent you. You are [list a flurry of things that make you love yourself/positive qualities], and you deserve to feel [positive emotion]. I promise you that I will be better, and I love you.  

With Your Values 

What is it that you can’t forgive yourself for? Identify this thing, and identify what value you hold that this transgressed. Once you’ve made that connection, you can start to craft your self-apology. 

I’m sorry for lapsing on [value] by [what you’re apologizing for]. [Value] is important to me because [value connection], and [what you’re apologizing for] doesn’t reflect how I want to show up in my life. To commit to [value], I plan to [plan of action].

Now, self-apologies are a little different than apologizing to someone else (in those cases, you don’t want to get defensive). But with self-apologies? It could really help your healing to add in a few ways that you’re “not all that bad.” 

I know that I can represent [value] because here are all of the other ways that I have lived up to this lately [list all the ways that you’ve shown up as your best self]. When I have shown up with [value] in mind, it has made me feel [emotion], and I look forward to that again.

And the beauty of apologizing to yourself? You hold to power to forgiveness.

Give yourself that gift so that you can move on with grace and resilience.